Valentine’s Day Guide for Lazy Loafers
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Valentine’s Day Guide For Men…
Alright, guys, this is it. You are about to go through the singular, most dangerous day for all males. Birthdays and anniversaries are bad enough—but those are BIG events. You watch out and plan for them months in advance (if you’re properly lazy, that is). But Valentine’s Day is alarmingly easy to overlook, easy to under prepare for, and easy to mishandle. Which will put you in the proverbial doghouse quicker than a fat guy in a diaper can shoot a heart-shaped arrow into your backside.
Ugghh. We’d better get prepared…
Married or in an otherwise committed relationship? Here’s what men need to know…
1. The Time—Valentine’s Day is 14 February. Every single year. This year (2014) it will be on a Friday which is, perhaps, the most relationship-dangerous day of the week. No calling home and claiming to work late while going out to Happy Hour with your friends. No hooking up with that dame you keep on the side. No watching basketball at a sports bar. NO NOTHING! Just haul yer hiney home to yer honey. Or else.
2. The Place—Once you get home don’t plan on staying there. Your lady wants the general public to see that she doesn’t have to spend Valentine’s Day at home, alone, eating a quart of chocolate ice cream and watching “Bridesmaids”, “Steele Magnolias” and/or “Sleepless in Seattle.” Instead you’ll be spending lots of money at a restaurant for a meal you could probably prepare better at home. Oh, and make the reservation now. I mean it. Right now. Go on.
3. The Gift—Corny though it may be, you need to bring flowers. And jewelry. Remember that the more money you spend, the less trouble you will get in afterwards (although, there is no amount you can spend that will keep you out of all trouble).
4. The Aftermath—Think you’ll get lucky when you get home? Good for you, you must still be young. The fight will probably start on the drive home. If it’s not how you’re driving it will be that your three drinks with dinner were too many, or that you ordered a steak instead of something healthy, or a condescending remark about the jewelry you bought, or how nice it was to finally have a night out instead of sitting at home as usual, or that you always—, or that you never—, or why can’t you ever—
1. Go out to Happy Hour with your friends
2. Get phone numbers from three lonely women who have no one to take them out on Valentine’s Day.
3. Set up a tee-time for the weekend
4. Call up your married friends (who are all out at expensive, bad restaurants) and leave this message on their answering machine: “Once upon a time there was a guy who never married and he lived happily ever after and dated lots of young women and rode motorcycles whenever he wanted and played golf a lot and drank beer and bought good scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and went on fishing trips and …”
Valentine’s Day Guide for Women…
Married or in an otherwise committed relationship?
1. Sit back, relax and let him to do all the work. Whatever he does, it will be wrong. Even if it’s not, tell him it is so he’ll try all the harder next year.
1. Go to Happy Hour after work and give your phone number to some guy who obviously loves being a batchelor and playing the field but surely you can change him.
2. Buy a quart of chocolate ice cream
3. Spend the night alone watching “Bridesmaids,” “Steele Magnolias” and/or “Sleepless in Seattle.”
Let us know if you have any questions.